Creep
by Imagine Eternity
Summary: Songfic based on the episode 'Breaking the Spell, Part 2' from Tom Harvey's point of view. Rating for mental illness, stalking and psychotic behaviour.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of these lovely characters, though I have taken possession of Tom's mind for a short while. I have now replaced it and he should be back to normal, so please don't sue me. I also didn't write the song, but I can't remember who did... all I know is that G4 did a very good job of it. Enjoy this, it sort of wrote itself one afternoon.

_**When you were here before**_

_**Couldn't look you in the eye**_

I'll never forget the first time I really noticed you. I'd seen you around before, of course, but you know how it is when you've seen someone lots of times but never really 'clicked' until one magic moment? Then suddenly they're in front of you looking more beautiful than anything you've ever seen and you realise you're staring at your soulmate? That was how it felt, Holly. And I knew you felt it too.

_**You're just like an angel **_

_**Your skin makes me cry**_

I suppose what captivated me most about you was the way you put your heart and soul into everything you did. A brilliant doctor, a caring, loyal friend… you could calm down hysterical patients, reassuring them that everything would be fine even if it blatantly wasn't. "You're going to be fine" is a line doctors and nurses say day after day, to patients with everything from a minor burn to highly advanced cancer, but somehow you always sounded so genuine, as if it was the first time you'd said it. Just a few words and a flash of that dazzling smile of yours and they would be instantly reassured and calm. You could work miracles.

_**You float like a feather**_

_**In a beautiful world**_

And of course, you were beautiful. I could never place quite what it was that made you so radiant... If I was to describe you, I couldn't do you justice… long brown hair, medium height, brown eyes. Sounds so normal, so average, but 'average' is never a word I would use when referring to you. You looked like nobody else I've ever known. Something shone out of your soul like sunlight through a stained glass window. You took that light with you everywhere you went, illuminating every room you stepped into and capturing the hearts of everyone who knew you.

_**You're so very special**_

Remember when we had to do that kids' teddy bears picnic thing? You organised that so well, the kids loved you and I've never admired you more. You were so into it, not half-hearted like Patrick, or embarrassed talking to stuffed toys, as most adults would be… it came so naturally to you. I often used to wonder what our children would look like. You would have made such a wonderful mother. I would dream about the day when you'd finally accept your feelings for me and we would be together. It was such a beautiful dream.

_**I wish I was special…**_

But I couldn't seem to do anything right by you. I was just too shy to come straight out with it, open my heart and tell you what I felt, so I started leaving little notes and presents. What was wrong with that? You have no idea how much it hurt me when you threw the flowers in the bin. I know you only did it so that nobody else would suspect you returned my feelings, but you didn't have to bin them. Likewise the teddy bear… most women love it when their boyfriends give them little presents, call them at work just to say 'I love you' or run them a bath with candles and rose petals. And yet when I did it, you didn't say a word about it the next day; you even pretended to be upset. The only way I could get near you was to sneak to your house and take pictures of you while you were sleeping. I've always thought that watching a beautiful woman sleep is the most sensual thing in the world and I knew one day I would admit it, blushingly, to you, and you'd giggle, kiss me and tell me how sweet I was.

_**But I'm a creep**_

_**I'm a weirdo**_

I suppose I shouldn't blame you really. Maybe you'd never been in love before and were having a hard time accepting it. But Holly, you didn't make it easy for yourself, all the time hiding your feelings for me and never admitting you knew who your 'mystery man' was. I just wish you could have relaxed and let yourself love and be loved in return. I know I wasn't your average guy; I was quite shy and wasn't one to go out partying and drinking with the lads, but that just wasn't 'me'. It wasn't what I wanted. You were all I wanted.

_**What the hell am I doing here?**_

_**I don't belong here**_

When you finally agreed to come back to my flat it felt like I'd won the lottery. You were going to admit you loved me at last! You were so happy and calm at first, so at home… it could have been your home. You treated me like a friend, and while it wasn't enough, I knew it was a good start, especially since you were obviously shy – you were probably afraid of giving the wrong impression or else a little unsure of how to explain why you'd been denying everything for so long. Such wonderful things could have happened if Dan hadn't turned up. He blundered in and ruined everything… I have never hated anyone so much in my life. You seemed to accept his being there, but didn't you realise he was trying to spoil your chances of happiness? I knew he was attracted to you, but why couldn't he just accept that it was me you wanted to be with? It wasn't long before I realised what he was doing; trying to poison your mind against me. Drugging him was the only thing I could do, I had no other option left. Of course, it turned out to be too late – he'd already done the damage and when I tried to talk to you… well, the next thing I remember is being carried out on a stretcher. At least Dan was hurt as well, though not as seriously as I would have preferred. He turned you against me that night; he made you believe that I was some kind of lunatic. I know it wasn't your fault, Holly, and I do forgive you. It was his fault, not yours, but somehow he made you think you didn't love me after all and that hurt so much…

_**I don't care if it hurts**_

_**I want to have control**_

Being arrested simply for being in love was heartbreaking. I knew I couldn't tell the police the truth; they'd have twisted the meaning against me. So I had to stay calm, tell them what they wanted to hear, be a model prisoner and not say anything that could be taken the wrong way. If I'd I told the truth they wouldn't have understood, so I did what I had to so that they'd release me on bail and I could come back to you.

_**I want a perfect body**_

While I was sitting alone in that cold grey cell, it was only the thought of you that kept me going. From time to time it did cross my mind that maybe I wasn't good enough for you, and that you deserved more. I didn't have amazing looks; I wasn't a high-flying heart surgeon. But I kept my faith in you; I knew you weren't so shallow as to cast me aside because of a few imperfections. Knowing that you were on the outside waiting for the next time we could be together; our evening at my flat had gone so well until Dan had turned up, we had plenty of unfinished business.

_**I want a perfect soul**_

It's funny, unlike most blokes, sex didn't enter my mind much at all; it was pretty unimportant really. When I thought about our future together, I had an image of me and you holding hands in the garden of a beautiful cottage in the country, surrounded by flowers and trees, watching our children play on the lawn. I always believed that's what matters most in life; the bigger picture. Being a genuinely nice person. Being there for someone. Being kind, generous and thoughtful. I always prided myself on having those qualities; so many men only care about the superficial things like money, cars and sex.

_**I want you to notice when I'm not around**_

So I did get bail in the end. I knew I had to be careful though; in all likelihood you'd been subjected to more brainwashing from Dan and might still be deluded that I was a nutter. I lay low for a while, trying to come up with ways to convince you to speak to me alone so we could start from where we left off at my flat. With Dan not there, it couldn't be long before you'd realise that he'd only said what he did because he was jealous of you and me, and you'd remember how you'd felt about me before all that.

_**You're so very special**_

I couldn't go back to my job, obviously, so I had to come up with a way to get you alone. Knowing your integrity, you'd be back at work already, working more miracles and changing people's lives. How I wished I could still be in there working alongside you, watching you, trying to learn how to be just like you…

_**I wish I was special**_

I don't know where the car alarm idea came from; it just jumped into my head one night, as I was lying awake gazing at the moon, your picture under my pillow. But I also knew I mustn't mess it up this time, I had to have a clear plan of what I was going to say and do. That was what took most time.

It might never have dawned on me if I hadn't been channel-surfing one evening and accidentally came across Romeo and Juliet on Channel 4. I thought about how we were a bit like them; two star-crossed lovers who had to keep their love a secret because it was forbidden. And then they chose to die together rather than live apart… it was so poignant, so beautiful. They made the right decision, they were together in the end and nobody could ever part them again. And it was then that I realised. Even if I did manage to convince you that what Dan said wasn't true, there would always be people like him who would try to ruin our happiness. The only way to be together, forever, permanently, would mean eternal sleep for both of us. I knew you'd agree.

_**But I'm a creep**_

_**I'm a weirdo**_

So I prepared. I set everything in order; tidied my flat, sorted my clothes into piles for charity, cancelled the milk… I had to make sure I did it properly so it would be perfect. I packed my final bag… the music, the dress, the shoes… I knew you'd love them; I'd already checked your wardrobe to make sure I got the size and style right. And of course, the anaesthetic. Just something quick and peaceful so we would just go to sleep. No pain, no suffering, no mess, just a beautiful sleep. We didn't belong on this earth. We just belonged together.

_**What the hell am I doing here?**_

_**I don't belong here**_

I never planned on the accident though. The car alarm trick worked perfectly; you came out alone and I really thought it was going to be easier than I'd dared hope. But Dan's words were obviously still fresh in your mind and you freaked out. When you fell and hit your head I stopped breathing for a few seconds. My first instinct was to get you straight into A+E to make sure you were all right, but after checking you were breathing normally, I realised that it might be the only chance to have a serious talk with you without the frustration of being interrupted or having you not listen properly.

I didn't want to have to tie you up, but again, nothing else would make you stay or listen. At least when you'd had time to calm down you were a bit more reasonable. At last, you didn't treat me like an alien.

I didn't want to leave you, but I'd had to leave some of my things in the car which I had to go and fetch. We had to have music, my suit and your beautiful dress; if these were to be our final moments we had to make them as special as possible. Nobody was going to stop us now, not Dan, not Andrew. He would have, too, if I hadn't put him out of action. I didn't stop to see what happened after I pushed him; he didn't matter. Nobody else mattered any more except us and our final sacrifice.

I have never seen anything as beautiful as you when you put on that dress. It fitted perfectly, like it had been made for you, complimenting your every curve. And as I slipped the silver necklace around your throat I have never felt such love for anyone. You admitted you were nervous, which I thought was so sweet. Finally we could be the perfect couple; you accepted me and I could be strong, manly and reassure you that there was nothing to be nervous about. I put the music on, at your request, and told you what we were going to do.

"We'll fall asleep in each other's arms and nobody will ever wake us again."

You were happy with that. Or at least I thought you were. I don't know what went wrong; maybe you just panicked, had a flashback of what Dan had told you.

_**She's running out the door**_

The sudden knee between my legs caught me totally off guard; I couldn't believe what was happening. Oh Holly, why couldn't you ever be honest with yourself? You ran. Kicking off your shoes, you ran so fast, leaving me on the floor in pain, rejected…

_**She's running… run, run...**_

As soon as I could, I got up and came after you. I had to save you from yourself; you didn't know what you were doing. I realised you'd trapped yourself by going the wrong way. You must have been nervous, but throwing a chair through the window? Why did you have to do that? All I ever did was love you, and you loved me… so what was the problem? Why did you deny yourself happiness?

_**I'm a creep**_

I knew the time had come. This was our last chance, and while you might not be showing it now, I knew that ultimately you'd thank me. I seized the syringe and came to meet you. You'd already screamed for help so it wouldn't be long before some interfering idiot would come running. You didn't need their help; I was all you needed and you'd have realised that in time.

_**I'm a weirdo**_

You knew I was stronger than you, and once I had you tight in my arms you stopped struggling. Wishing that things could have been different, I administered your injection as professionally and gently as I could. Seeing you wince as I pushed the needle into your leg broke my heart; I'd hoped you would smile and kiss me as we ended our lives together. As your body went limp, I carried you back into the ward, laid you down on the bed and stroked your hair, ready to lie down and sleep my final sleep beside you.

_**What the hell am I doing here?**_

Then a crash. Patrick and Dan, running towards us. I knew it was too late for me to use the anaesthetic. Taking one last look at you, etching every beautiful, tragic detail onto my mind, I ran. Dan followed me, but Patrick stopped when he reached you and I knew that it had all happened so quickly it was possible he would manage to resuscitate you. I hoped for your sake he wouldn't succeed; you shouldn't have to go on living without your soulmate. But that wasn't under my control any more.

I ran to the fire escape with Dan close behind me. I might have known he'd never give up. I tried to go down, I just wanted to get away so I could end my life in peace and hope that you were already on the other side waiting for me, but Dan blocked my way. I couldn't face being arrested again, that would be worse than death, but I was running out of choice. My eyes were already filling with tears at the thought that I'd already looked at your face for the last time.

_**I don't belong here…**_

I climbed over the railings. It was more of a threat than anything else at first, but as I looked down, I think I knew then that I wasn't getting out of there alive. It seemed to scare Dan, at least. He knew I was in control and that rattled him. Control freak to the last. He did back off and told me to come back over, but it was too late. I slipped, and I'm still not sure whether I did it deliberately or not. I held on, more out of instinct than anything else, and was actually quite surprised when Dan tried to pull me back. But he couldn't save me. Nobody could save me. I'd made my decision. Of course I would have preferred to stay alive with you. But not without you.

I knew I couldn't survive a fall from that height. And I was glad. It hadn't been how I'd planned, but in the end I chose my own fate. And as my fingers slipped from Dan's and the ground hurtled towards me, almost in slow motion, I knew I had made the right decision.

_**I don't belong here**_

Hope you enjoyed it. Reviews brighten my day:o)


End file.
